Trying to love myself

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I’m the type of person who is always downing herself but will praise others. I don’t see beauty in myself but can see it in others. I honestly don’t know why I am this way, it may have something to do with being bullied as a child, always being called fat & ugly, maybe it’s just something I’ve implanted in my mind because that’s what I see when I look in the mirror. I wish I knew why I feel this way, I don’t care about myself and at times just give up, it’s what I do, always give up on things.

I’ve been trying to change all this ever since I met my fiance 9 years ago. He is always telling me I’m beautiful, smart and a great person to be around and that so many people think the same way. If that’s so why do I feel like that’s not true, I feel the complete opposite. Yes I’m plus size, have been since I was about 12 years old, back then I was like maybe 20lbs over weight, now a days I’m way overweight, I have PCOS and it’s a bitch. I’ve tried to lose weight & the struggle is bad.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of bad days, I get really down and depressed, a lot of that is because I do have depression but refuse medicine cause I can control it, and my son has been a terror lately. But every so often I’ll be sitting on the couch working on projects and I’ll pick up my phone and just start taking pictures of myself and laugh at them and actually like them. I feel like I’m beautiful and no matter what I am completely happy, but then a few days later it goes away. It’s really tough trying to overcome something you’ve dealt with for a very long time.

I know I’m getting better at starting to love myself and see myself as a good and beautiful person, but it’s a progress that’s going to take sometime. I know I may sound crazy with this post but everyone’s life is different and mine is definitely different.

Here are a few of my photos I’ve taken on days when I feel positive about myself, and I’ve had a good laugh over them every time I look at them. I will admit I’ve gotten better with feeling positive but it will always be a struggle.

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                               These are from 08.15.2016 I had fun taking these

 

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                      These are from 08.25.2016 and had a good laugh over these

Dear Son…

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You’re an amazing little guy for only being 7 years old and you care so much for others. You’re willing to help others out when they need it, you also are willing to donate some of your toys when you no longer need/play with so others can have.

BUT

This mommy is getting really sick and tired of your “punk ass” attitude! I love you very much but man, your attitude lately has SUCKED! I don’t know where it came from, why you have it, and why you find it necessary to have it everyday, but I think it’s time to knock it off. I don’t appreciate everyday you yelling at me and making me feel like a horrible mother. I’ve done everything right, and this is how you treat me, what did I ever do to you? It really does upset me when you do this to me everyday.

Please stop with this attitude, it isn’t good. I understand it’s tough being an only child, but mommy & daddy are trying to fix that but it may take a while. So please stop acting like an adult and just be yourself, the sweet little boy everyone loves and the little boy who is willing to help others. I don’t like this little devil you’ve become, I’ve talked to you several times about this and you still have not learned. I do hope soon (maybe with school starting in 2 weeks) your attitude will change for the better, cause it seems to get worse everyday.

Remember mommy & daddy love you very much but we are tired of this “punk ass” attitude you’ve been giving.

Sincerely,

You’re very aggravated, stressed & annoyed mother

Wait you’re 7?!?!

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It’s crazy?! It seems like you were just being born and now your 7 years old?! Where has the time gone, I guess time flies when your having fun, on July 28th T turned 7 years old we can’t believe it already. It’s hard to believe he’s 7 already, but there’s times he acts like he’s in his 20s and it drives me nuts, I guess the joys of being a parent and him being an only child (which I’m hoping soon that will change🙂 ). T is an amazing kid, he cares so much for others, he can be very polite when he wants to (any kid is like that lol) and his imagination is crazy! I just wish that as he gets older the attitude wouldn’t get worse but oh well, he’s a unique child and somethings are harder for him to understand. He has signs of Autism but also signs of ADHD, so the docs are really sure what it is, and we refuse to medicate our son so we try our hardest to understand him and control how he acts when he has his moments.

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Day of T’s birthday!!

Now onto T’s birthday! This year we didn’t do a party or a cookout or anything, instead right on his birthday, daddy made him pancakes for breakfast and then we did presents. I made him a blue velvet cake with little frosting on top, and when D got home from work we had cake. T really enjoyed his birthday, even if we didn’t do much he still had a good day.

The next day which was a Friday myself & my mother took T over to our fair to watch the fireworks, wish D could have been there but he had to work. T was a little bummed he couldn’t go into the fair but we didn’t have the money because we had it saved for the next day which was a big birthday surprise.🙂

Saturday drive in fun

Saturday drive in fun, bottom left and bottom center is T’s uncle B

So, now it’s Saturday July 30th and we proceed with our day like normal but try to get things ready without T figuring out what we are doing. Then we all get in the car and start heading towards Perry, NY. When we get to our destination T freaked out! We took him to Silver Lake Twin Drive-In, it’s our favorite drive in, it may be a bit far from us but always worth it. We were going to see Secret Life of Pets & Ice Age: Collision Course and he was so excited he’s been wanting to see these movies so bad! As usual we are there like 3 hours before the drive in actually opens, so after we got there we got a text someone was on their way. It was T’s aunt when she showed up he got even more excited. Then we decided to hit the arcade, we had about $20 put aside just for the arcade and only spent $14 of it and T had a blast as always playing the different games.

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He was so excited to wait in line with his aunt and that her roof had a window lol

Finally it’s time to line up and get into the drive in, we’re always early so we can get in line early to get a good spot🙂 T decides he wants to wait with his aunt in her car so he goes with her, we get into the drive in and T takes off playing at the playground. I would say about 1.5 hrs later someone else shows up……it’s uncle B (yes he calls him exactly that lol) T spots him across the playground to where we were parked and ran across screaming UNCLE B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T was so excited to see him, he ran up and jumped into his arms, he absolutely loves his uncle. It’s time for the movies to begin, T moves his chair next his uncle and we all sit and watch the movies. It was an amazing time seeing T spend time with his uncle and enjoy 2 movies with him. T said this was the best gift ever over and over. Honestly, it really is because memories last a life time (for some lol) toys and that are just material things that eventually are nothing to a child.

All in all from Thursday to Saturday T had an amazing birthday, he had so much fun and has some great memories to look back on. Happy Birthday little man, you mean the world to mommy & daddy we love you!!!

Rain

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This morning from our front porch

This morning from our front porch

Along with others in the United States, we’ve haven’t been getting much rain this year. We started in a moderate drought & now we are in a severe drought. We would get rain but it would only be a light drizzle then get hot so it was like it never rained. Literally 1 week ago today we got some heavy rain but it didn’t last long and then it got super hot out. Today I woke up to rain, we also got a little thunder & lightening. It’s still raining a little bit as I type which is a good thing. I would be happy if it rained for like an entire week, I know the farmers around us really need it as well.

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This weeks weather isn’t look good either, calls of temps in the 80s and I bet the humidity will be up making it feel hotter. We have chance of more rain this weekend but I’m hoping Saturday it doesn’t because we have plans for T’s birthday. I can’t wait til Fall, because it’s a bit cooler, the smell of pumpkins and just overall love it!

How has the weather been where you are?! Today we have rain and as of 12:10pm it’s 73 F, sadly we have a chance of it getting warmer today.

I can’t take it anymore

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I’ll probably get some heat for this post but to this point I don’t give a rats ass. When I sit back and look at myself I think I’m just a bad/shitty parent.

My son T has such a wicked attitude, I swear anymore it just seems to be getting worse over time. I’ve told my other half D that T is this way because he has a shitty mom, yet he swears up and down it’s not. I think it is, we are just crappy parents and it’s causing him to be a brat towards us. T at times will holler and scream at the top of his lungs at us, I understand he’s an only child, but the attitude is uncalled for.

D says it’s cause he’s an only child and is trying to be an adult, but I just disagree with that. I know the kid doesn’t have anyone his age to hangout with and there isn’t much I can do about that. It’s just how our life is, we don’t have family that live in the same town that he can go play with. He don’t have true honest friends, at 6 years old (almost 7) his friends are the type just friends in school, outside of school nothing, this kid is going down the same road I did as a kid via friend wise.

All I want to do is make sure T has a good childhood and the past 2 years it’s been living hell. Anymore we are just yelling & screaming at him because he just simply don’t want to listen. We’ve tried all different things, taken stuff away, been cool & calm with him when he starts yelling but nothing is working. I’m just to the point I’m ready to give up, I know it’s not good saying as a mother but I’m just done with it.

Because of all this stress of T’s attitude all I want to do is sit on my ass doing nothing, not wanting to be bothered with. I just can’t handle this attitude, so basically I’ve thrown in the towel. What doesn’t help is NO ONE will take T for a night, because they can’t handle him even tho he is good when we are away, so that there tells me T has a problem with us being his parents😦 my grandparents have let him stay the night 2 different times & my aunt only let him once, yet my aunt bitches saying he needs a break away from us, well if that’s the case then fucking take him.

Ugh I just don’t know what to do anymore & I don’t know how much more I can take before I completely freak out!!

Family picnic/camp out!

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My uncle tries every year to have a family picnic up at his property for the 4th of July. Last year it didn’t happen due to the property was really muddy because it had rained so much. This picnic is when some of the family can get together and enjoy their time and watch fireworks my uncle puts off.

My grandparents have a camper up there, and this year they were going up early & T wanted to go up to the property early, so he had to ask his great uncle and he said yes. T was beyond excited that he was going camping, this time without mommy or daddy with him. He went up Saturday and was good and had no problem without us, then we went up Sunday for the picnic and camped overnight.

My greatest aunt (left) & my grams (right). My greatest aunt looks good for having stage 4 cance

My greatest aunt (left) & my grams (right). My greatest aunt looks good for having stage 4 cancer

Sunday was a good time, of course there was some people there that I absolutely can’t stand, and was very hard for me not to say anything, but I was good and kept my cool. My greatest aunt came up, now the picnic get together is mainly so she can come up and see everyone, it’s the only time we get to see her. She has stage 4 cancer, but she looks good and is staying strong🙂 It was good being able to see her, it had been 2 years since we last seen her. T of course was being good playing with the kids and was happy he got to finally go swimming.

Once it got dark enough my uncle set off 2 Japanese lanterns, 1 for my great aunt’s cancer to keep her going strong and 2nd for my cousin (great aunts daughter) for luck due to health issues, it was an amazing moment and they cried. Then it was fireworks time, my uncle always gets a ton of fireworks to set off. It was fun seeing them, except a few for some reason was mis-firing and would go down and blow up on the ground, so basically we had a few ground fireworks that were meant for the sky, but thankfully no one got hurt. My uncle was so pissed that the fireworks were doing that and some just didn’t want to go off. For some reason this year he went somewhere else for fireworks and not the normal place, he said he’ll never do that again and go back to where he normally goes.

Overall, everyone had a great time and fun 4th of July. Now it’s time to get back to normal life, whatever that means lol. I hope you all had a wonderful & safe 4th of July.

I made a UNICORN!!!

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A while ago I started another crochet side project, this time it was a unicorn. It didn’t take long to get everything made and attached until it got to where I had to add the hair. That’s when I stopped working on it and just put it aside, well finally after 1-2 months later I finally decided to take the project out and add its hair. At first it was easy, but after awhile it got severely annoying and couldn’t wait to be finished with it. Now that it’s complete, I have to say I love it!! It came out so frigging cute, I’ve been asked why I made it, and I’m like “because I wanted to damn it”.

I got the pattern from One Dog Woof HERE.