Life has been a roller coaster lately and I am so ready for it to be over with this ride. I think a lot of it has to do with me personally, mainly with my depression. I’ve been on the same meds for like 4 months now and it’s actually working with no side effects unlike the last one. Well, it works when it wants to, I still have my down days which makes life dull and boring and it pisses people off, cause all I wanna do is sleep and veg out on the couch.
I’ve actually been going to counseling *gasp* I’ve actually stuck with it as well. I’ve been going for a few months now. After my first visit, I sat down and wrote out a lot of stuff that had happened to me thru the years, it was a total of 5 pages lol. It took a few visits to counseling but we worked thru all the things. It felt good getting that stuff out and talking to someone non-related about the stuff I went thru. However, I still feel like crud when I go to counseling. I’ll lie to my counselor and tell him things are okay when in reality, I just wanna give up on life. I’m not sure why I lie to him about it but I do, I’m not sure what to do anymore.
I’m having more days where I feel as if I am just a waste of space, like no one truly cares about me, it’s all talk to just make me feel better. I try to talk to “friends” and it’s like I’m just wasting their time, cause I’m not talking about what they wanna talk about. I feel like I have no one I can turn to and talk to, when I know I at least have my counselor but I think I’m afraid of getting judged, like I always have in life. So as usual, I go to my music to try and calm me down. I’m just sick of feeling this way, next week I go to the doctors, maybe my meds need an adjustment or something, or just need to talk to someone about my problems. However, not always when I talk does it make life better, the problems are still there waiting for me as soon as I leave the counseling building.
Maybe moving away from family is what I need, this way I can clear my head and not worry or hear about my families problems, cause I don’t care but they manage to still bother me, go figure. I just wanna be happy and live my life the way I want to and where I want to, but that’ll never f**king happen!