In My Head


I have a lot of shit going on in my head and I can’t handle it much more. I’ve cried for help and I just get ignored and it really bothers me, I feel as if no one cares about me.

I’ve often wondered lately if everyone would be better without me around. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere, like I’m a waste of space. I don’t know what the reason is why I’m alive. Like I don’t know why I’m here. What is my purpose? Yeah I’m a parent but I feel in my heart my son deserves way better than me. I feel like my fiance deserves way better than me. I’m nothing special, I have nothing I bring to this relationship except problems, like, jealousy, hatred and other shit.

I say something to my fiance about how I feel and get told “oh your fine”. That just doesn’t help me out. I want to feel like I have a purpose in life but anymore I don’t. Everyday is the same thing, I have nothing to do and stare at 4 walls. Yes, I have my shop but it’s just at a standstill right now, plus with my depression being bad I have no interest in doing anything.

I’m tired of sitting here and just start crying for no reason. I wish my fiance knew what it was like going thru this. I try to explain the best I can and he just don’t simply get it. He just acts like I don’t know what I’m saying and that what I am saying is just me being a drama queen or something.

I’ve often wondered how everyones life would be without me, meaning me dead or simply gone far away. And it always feels like everyone would be happier than they are now. I just need help, I try talking to my couselor but it’s getting to the point he don’t care either, he’s just there to listen to you talk about your problems and collect a paycheck.

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Ugh, I Need to Vent


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So this was a while ago, we decided to go out for dinner cause we had been shopping all day and Trent was getting hungry. Then Dave decides to snap a picture of us and I’m just disgusted with how it came out.

Like I knew I was a big person, obviously I know that but I didn’t know I looked like this. I just don’t see why Dave is still in love when I look like this. No wonder why people give me looks in public. No wonder why no one wants to be friends.

I’ve let my weight get to a number I am ashamed of and I really need to work on getting that down before I end up with some medical issues. Knock on wood, I’ve had blood tests done and they all come back normal.

I really want to get some of this weight off, I have a goal of starting at 50lbs then more after that. However, I can’t seem to stick to a diet, I always end up failing in the long run. What doesn’t help is having almost NO support in my life. I’ve said I want to cut things out but people get mad cause that means they can’t have it. I’ve said if it’s in the house I’m going to be tempted to eat or drink it, if I get rid of it I won’t be wanting it right?!

But, apparently I’m just fucking crazy and don’t know what I’m thinking. I just want to lose some weight and be happy, I’m sick of living this damn shitty life always feeling down about myself. With having all this weight it doesn’t fucking help, so on top of dealing with the weight my depression has gotten worse. My counseling sessions are seeming to help anymore, well part of that is my fault cause I don’t tell the truth to my counselor. I just feel like he don’t care, so why waste my breath explaining stuff if someone ain’t going to care?! My medicine got an increase, so that helps every now and then.

But Goddamn this depression is getting out of hand, I’m tired of the sadness, I’m tired of always crying when no one is looking. I just want to be some what normal and have a decent life. Not this sitting at home everyday looking at the same 4 walls with nothing to do.

Happy Halloween!!


This year Trent has decided to go as Harry Potter. He’s watched a few of the movies but still refuses to read the books lol. He’s really obsessed with the Harry Potter series. It’s nice to see him like something other that Thomas the Train lol. He was so excited when he seen I bought him the costume, then his Gigi found glasses and he flipped out even more!

He had a little party at school and he said his friends loved his costume and that some of the teachers where loving it as well. I’m glad to see no one picked on him for something like that, cause where we live that’s common for bullying on what you like especially stuff like this.

Tonight him and daddy went out trick or treating and had a blast. I stayed home to pass out candy and of course the year I pass out candy hardly anyone comes down our street. Think next year I’ll just go along with Dave and Trent trick or treating.

Back to School!


Hard to believe Trent is 9 years old and starting the 4th grade!! Plus, he’s starting in the middle school this year. Hard to believe he’s going into middle school, seems like yesterday he was starting kindergarten, where has the time gone?!

With starting in the middle school he has to now take band, so they suggested he take clarinet cause that is what best suits him. He took summer lessons and did really good with them, we are beyond proud of him!

 

Life


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Life has been a roller coaster lately and I am so ready for it to be over with this ride. I think a lot of it has to do with me personally, mainly with my depression. I’ve been on the same meds for like 4 months now and it’s actually working with no side effects unlike the last one. Well, it works when it wants to, I still have my down days which makes life dull and boring and it pisses people off, cause all I wanna do is sleep and veg out on the couch.

I’ve actually been going to counseling *gasp* I’ve actually stuck with it as well. I’ve been going for a few months now. After my first visit, I sat down and wrote out a lot of stuff that had happened to me thru the years, it was a total of 5 pages lol. It took a few visits to counseling but we worked thru all the things. It felt good getting that stuff out and talking to someone non-related about the stuff I went thru. However, I still feel like crud when I go to counseling. I’ll lie to my counselor and tell him things are okay when in reality, I just wanna give up on life. I’m not sure why I lie to him about it but I do, I’m not sure what to do anymore.

I’m having more days where I feel as if I am just a waste of space, like no one truly cares about me, it’s all talk to just make me feel better. I try to talk to “friends” and it’s like I’m just wasting their time, cause I’m not talking about what they wanna talk about. I feel like I have no one I can turn to and talk to, when I know I at least have my counselor but I think I’m afraid of getting judged, like I always have in life. So as usual, I go to my music to try and calm me down. I’m just sick of feeling this way, next week I go to the doctors, maybe my meds need an adjustment or something, or just need to talk to someone about my problems. However, not always when I talk does it make life better, the problems are still there waiting for me as soon as I leave the counseling building.

Maybe moving away from family is what I need, this way I can clear my head and not worry or hear about my families problems, cause I don’t care but they manage to still bother me, go figure. I just wanna be happy and live my life the way I want to and where I want to, but that’ll never f**king happen!

Salt City Comic Con 2018


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Booth set up

For my 2nd year we attended Salt City Comic Con in Syracuse, NY as a vendor. Of course I was still working on stuff until just a few days before we left. We left out on Friday 07.06.2018 to head to Syracuse, this year we were going to stay at the hotel it was being hosted at, Embassy Suites Hilton. It was very pricey to stay there but was so worth every penny we put into it!! Our friend Crissy even drove all the way up from PA to hang out and spend the weekend with us!!

So, Friday we arrive in Syracuse and relaxed for a bit, then we went to get out badges and found out they were still trying to figure out how the layout was going to be for the outside vendors. We decided to head down to the pool for the Pikachu pool party, omg it was so much fun and Trent had a blast. Only complain was the water was salt water instead of chlorine.

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Few hours later we got everything taken care of and got our booth location. We were just going to set up the canopy, tables and the wire shelves, however, after we get the canopy and tables set up, I realized I forgot my wire shelves back at home which is about 2.5 hours away, so there was no going back for them. So we ran to the local Walmart and they didn’t have any, found out a Kmart did but was already closed.

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Saturday morning, we get up showered and dressed and decided to head down to the free breakfast. It was delicious and got to watch classic cartoons like Ghostbusters & Transformers. There was also cosplayers hanging out with everyone doing pictures. Trent was so excited he wanted his picture with Batman. After breakfast we quickly ran over to Kmart and got my wire shelves, go back and finish setting up. We had to be set up and ready to go by 10am for the VIPs to come thru, and we managed to do so. For Saturday we did really good, sold a bunch of stuff and there was always a crowd of people going thru, what helped was we had the food trucks in the area we were in.

We got free bowling passes so myself, Dave & Crissy went out and had an adult time just hanging out bowling, Trent stayed with his Gigi at the hotel. After bowling we decided to hit up the arcade, that was a lot of fun! Then, went to a shop and I bought my first manga and can’t wait to start reading it. We came back to the hotel and had a few drinks, well I had soda cause I don’t drink but it was still a nice time. I’ve never actually hung out like that before and it was quite relaxing and can’t wait to do it again sometime.

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Trent with his aunt Crissy

Sunday morning we get up and get stuff packed so we can sign out. We got up a bit too early and got ready too early so while myself and Dave was out setting up for convention, Trent & his Gigi hung out and went swimming. Then came time to sign out, after we did, Trent & his Gigi went to the zoo nearby. Boy, Trent had a good ol’ time at the zoo and took lots of pictures. For the convention, it was a much slower day for us, we barely had people coming into our booth. What hurt us was they took the food trucks out of the area we were in and put them outside so people didn’t have to come in. Them doing that hurt a lot of the vendors that was outside with us. I was lucky to have sold maybe 10 things from 10am – 5pm, it was that bad.

Overall, the convention wasn’t too bad, most vendors were inside and only a few outside. Like I mentioned Saturday was great for us, but come Sunday as usual it’s super slow and barely make anything. I love doing these conventions but I’m so tired of being disappointed because I’m not making much at them. So I think for right now I’m going to take a break and maybe see about getting into the local events if possible.

Last Day of School


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That’s right folks, Trent’s last day of school has already arrived! I now will have a 4th grader next school year and also he moves up to the middle school. Hard to believe he’s going into the middle school. He has also decided to take band, he’s going to be playing the clarinet. In order to get practice in before school starts he has to take band lessons during the summer. Let’s hope summer break goes quick, because I know it’s going to be a long one with him being out of school!