Felt like not good enough

Growing up I had a pretty normal childhood for the most part. My mom raised me and my brother by herself and also worked. My father on the other hand, was a no good kind of person. I was born in 87′ and my bro was born in 89′ and my parents wed in 90′. The ended up legally getting separated (not divorced) in 94′. Thankfully the court let my mother have FULL custody of us kids. I am thankful everyday for that.

My father is the type that puts his alcohol and women before ANYTHING else in his life. Growing up with visitations his “girlfriend” at the time would normally take care of us. He would just sit on his a** and drink all day and usually pass out before dinner. There was times he was very verbally abusive to us kids and of course we had the hitting of. What alcoholic parent don’t hit their kids. I grew up wit a lot of grudge against my father, still partly due to this day. He walked out of our lives April 25, 2000, left for FL and never came back. To this day we still try to get in contact with him, but its usually the same bull we hear from him. Always making promises and never keeping them. He never made it up for his only grandson’s 1st birthday, never sent up a card for his 1st or 2nd birthday either. My father always told my mother she would be a widow before a divorcey. Well guess what….he finally filed for a divorce after all these years. Why? Because I think he knew we found out he was married to 2 women since 04′. So finally after all this time he is giving my mom the divorce she has been wanting.

Sorry had to vent a little, but back to what the title says.

Growing up I felt like I wasn’t good enough, like I had done something wrong to where people hated me. I sometimes felt like it was my fault why my father drank. But once I got a little bit older I realized it wasn’t my fault he was just like that.

I don’t remember really having that many friends growing up either. I was always the one that kept to myself and would normally ignore the whole world. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for people to get to know me. I would act at times like I was having fun with my “friends” but most of the time I wasn’t. I wasn’t the most prettiest thing, or I wasn’t skinny enough, or didn’t have money so I could have whatever I wanted.

I remember so many times in school always being called ugly, fat and stupid. Hence the reason why I still to this day call myself that, because I see myself as that ugly, fat, stupid person. Yes I may be a little slow, meaning I have a hard time understanding things, and I still have a speech problem. I have times where I can’t pronounce certain words and I will start talking and then start stuttering cause my mind thinks faster then my mouth. When I believe I was in kindergarten, I was in a special wheel chair that had a strap that went across my forehead due to I had no neck muscle control. Meaning I couldn’t hold my head up on my own. Finally I guess the muscle grew in properly. I still to this day have problems with my neck and after a while you will see my tilt my head to the side due to my neck. But not many people knew that.

When I hit 5th grade I had the biggest crush on a kid. But I knew even back then as a kid I wouldn’t be good enough to just be friends with him. I was a little bit on the chunky side and I personally think I was ugly but that’s my opinion. I get told everyday that I am beautiful inside and out, I just guess I don’t see it. Once I hit middle school, (6th grade) my crush for the same boy was there. I remember him having his friend ask me or hell it might have been him, if I wanted to go to the Christmas dance, and of course me being shy & stupid I said no, but guess what I still went (without him). I still wonder to this day, what would become of our friendship if I had said yes?!

Middle of my 6th grade I moved away. So from rest of 6th til beginning of 9th I lived in city. A bad city to me, too many bad things. Geneva NY is like a mini Rochester, its really bad. Its a good place to live, but if you have kids, the schools are horrible. But we moved back to where we lived before which is Medina NY. A beautiful small village. This is where I finished school!

It was about a week after I started high school back here, I saw my elementary/middle school crush again. Of course looking good, still the same features. I only seen him for about a week and he was gone. He got transferred to a school for “bad” students. I still wondered about him after he left. And I swear he acted the same while I seen him in high school. I remember having to take a special English class and it was just me & him in the class and of course the teacher was always late. The one time he was walking around the class room with his pants around his ankles showing off his boxers and smiling. He has an amazing smile! But once again I was too chicken shit to say anything cause deep down I felt like I wasn’t good enough.

Once he left I felt so sad wondering when I was going to see him again. I saw him once a year later and that was at a grocery store he was sitting in his parents car while they were inside. He didn’t see me but I saw him, but didn’t say anything.

Going thru high school was horrible. Didn’t hear the name calling but got the looks that basically said everything. So I just put a wall to where people didn’t fuck with me cause I would go crazy on them. I had some friends, but they were basically “school friends”. Once out of school it was mainly oh hey and that’s all. I still wasn’t very social, why? Because again I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I had crushes on other guys during my high school years but never went far. We were always “school friends” and nothing more. The one crush was on a kid that started at the high school about a week after I did. We were great friends in school, he would always pick on me but not in a bad way. We had homeroom together so we at least saw each other once everyday lol. May be asking “why didn’t you ask?” Well simple he wasn’t the type of kid that really kept himself very cleaned while in school, so it was kind of an embarrassing thing, which is not normal for me cause I’m not that way. But I think it was because I already felt like I was being judged so much I didn’t want to be judged more.

So I never had a real boyfriend until I was 17yrs old. I got with a guy that was 3 yrs older then me. Boy was that a mistake. I did graduate high school in 06′ like I was supposed to. Me & the bf went to my prom, I had a broken ankle but still went and also went to graduation with a broken ankle. We were together from 05′-07′. Personally I think it was too long of a relationship. At our 3 month anniversary he was cheating on me. But I “loved” him so I stayed with him. I still to this day ask myself why. During those what 2 years he cheated on me more then we were in a relationship. Stupid me I guess. In Jan. 07′ our relationship really went down hill, I found out I had a miscarriage. Well that made him made and so in March I left his a**. I was tired of all the yelling and the cheating.

I was only single for like 3 months til I met my lovely now fiance. But during those 3 months I swore I would be single the rest of my life. I just knew no one would want someone like me in their life. My friend I went to school with and had homeroom together with I would see him time to time due to where he worked. I still had/have a thing for him. Now that we were out of high school and he had a job he cleaned up VERY nice. Still didn’t take a chance, he sometimes acted like I wasn’t good enough so I never even pushed the issue. To this day we still remain friends and he still picks on me. He calls me the Devil, why? Cause I was evil to some people in school and he swears up and down I was mean to him too but I wasn’t. Hell we had homeroom together plus our lockers where right next to each other.

June 18, 2007 I met my now fiance. We met online, back then Myspace was still kind of popular lol. We started talking and we just knew from then we were meant to be. He lived down in Eastern PA and I live(d) in WNY. So one night I got money together I had from a summer job and asked my mom if she would drive me down to PA to get him, and we did. Boy did we get yelled at by my family, they said 2 women making a road trip to get a guy you don’t know. I told them I knew a lot about him and I knew in my heart everything was going to be okay. About 6hrs and some change later we were in Taylor PA pulling into the driveway to where he lived with his parents. I seen him standing outside and I was so nervous. My mom said if you go and say you don’t want him after I made this trip I am going to kick your butt. I was a little scared because he was bigger then his pic showed and he had a little hump in his back. But I sucked it up and went for it. Once I walked up to the porch and seen him he gave me the biggest hug ever and with that hug I felt so safe with him. Definitely from there I knew he was the one.

We have been together for about 4 1/2 years now and have a 2yr old son and a 3yr old cat. I still today call myself fat, stupid and ugly. I mainly think its cause I heard it so much growing up. My fiance tells me all the time I didn’t fall in love with you because of you looks I fell in love with your personality, but you are so very beautiful to me. He also said even if you had no legs or arms I would still love you the same because you have an amazing personality. I absolutely love him with all my heart, and thankful to have such a wonderful guy like him in my life!

Still today I wonder about my 2 main crushes I had in school. The one from elementary and up I haven’t seen since that one time at the store. I tried to find him online and can’t find nothing. Not many people know who it is but I guess its time for people to know, his name is Matt Keiffer. I don’t know where he is or if he is even still alive. But maybe someday I will see him again and maybe ask him what would have happened. My other crush well many people might be able to figure out who he is by some of the things I said and his name is Shaun Gibbs. YES to all my friends you are reading this correct. But I knew with Shaun nothing would ever happen cause I am too fat, so I am not his type. But oh well, I still have the wonder of what would have been if me and Matt had gotten together. I still miss and worry about him.

Well hope not too many people find this boring to read. But I had to get it off my chest. I am tired of always being hush hush. Yes I love my fiance, but there is still a part of my heart that makes me still want my one crush I have had since the 5 grade.

Thanks to those who actually take time out to read this and maybe some people will see part of themselves from when they were growing up. Also if you have something rude to say please DO NOT leave a comment. Thanks!

2 thoughts on “Felt like not good enough

  1. Hey hunnie! I just re-read your post and I, to be honest, am perfectly ok with you having your crushes. Some people would be all upity about it and be judgemental of your feeling. Well understand what your feeling and I have no problems with it. I love you!


    • Oh I know, I just mainly typed this out cause of how quiet I am and s***. Doesn’t matter if I have a crush or not, its just that growing up and feeling like I wasn’t good enough because seeing “friends” actually hanging out and dating and stuff that’s all. I guess just wasn’t good enough that’s what happens when your not the prettiest, skinniest thing around.


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